I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Randomize
