Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
