Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
