How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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