Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
