i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
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