Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
