now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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