New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
