I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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