I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Can I color on your dick again?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
