So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Randomize
