I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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