I hope mine doesn't look like that
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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