I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
we should paint friendship bongs
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