I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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