You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
