i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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