I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
