hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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