well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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