my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
