do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
