i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
