Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
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