Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
