Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
