Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
