my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
ugly people sure do ruin things
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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