dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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