omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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