i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
he just fucked me for my cheese..
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
