im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize
