I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Damn victory sex feels great
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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