Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
