i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
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Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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