Pants 0. Shit 1.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
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