Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
