Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Farmville is her only friend.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
