my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
