shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Randomize
