This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
