Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
