I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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