my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
