Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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