Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize