No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
