If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Randomize