I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
