Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
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