Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
is wine microwaveable?
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
