The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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