Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
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Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
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If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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