And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
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