Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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