i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
