I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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