Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
